MIA again!

I'm back and forth with blogging lately, since I've been so busy.  By the time I finally have the time to post, I'm too tired.

Tomorrow I'm starting another "get healthy" kick.  Going back on Weight Watchers, starting kickboxing 2 times and week and going to the gym twice a week.  Hopefully I can keep it up and I'm not aiming too high!

Tom and I are very wishy-washy about the adoption thing.  We've put it on hold now until after he graduates from nursing school in the fall.  Until then, we MIGHT TTC, but aren't really sure.

Our cruise was MAGNIFICENT!  We had such a great, relaxing time together.  It's rare that we get to spend time one-on-one and we definitely enjoyed it.  Getting back to the daily routine has been hard, though!

Well there's a lot going on at my house right now, so I'll have to end there for now!

It's been awhile...

I've been a little behind the times with blogging lately.  Between my very early miscarriage in April, finishing up school (yay!), and getting ready for vacation (double yay!) I haven't had much time!

I am, however, happy to report that Tom and I have officially placed our names on the waiting list to adopt a baby.  We will remain on the waiting list for 3-6 months, depending on how it moves, and then begin the process of pre-assessment, home study, workshops, etc.  We are REALLY excited and hoping that next Mother's Day we'll be celebrating.

Mother's Day is always hard when you've had pregnancy losses.  In my opinion, it's even more difficult when you have no children at all after having losses.  Pregnancy losses are hard when you have kids, too, I get it, but there's a certain feeling of inadequacy or heartbreak that comes with knowing that you may never have children of your own at all.  While I'm excited about adopting, I feel robbed of the experience of carrying a baby, delivering a baby, and having a baby who will be a part of my husband and me.  BUT, I do realize that I will love our adopted baby as much as any baby that was biologically mine and will care for and raise that child as my own.

At any rate, I awoke with a feeling of dread this morning that another Mother's Day has gone by and we still do not have any living children.  It's a hard realization that I do not even think about most days, but on this day when we celebrate mothers, it's in the front of my mind.

Movin' on

The "Red Witch" made her appearance yesterday, so I'm definitely not pregnant.  Part of me is relieved. I don't know how ready I really was to deal with what would have inevitably caused enormous stress.  Even after that 1-2 day pregnancy, Tom and I have unofficially decided to pursue adoption if we are not pregnant by the end of the summer.  I just don't know if I'm cut out for pregnancy anymore.  And I don't want to be in a continuous state of stress until I deliver a baby(if I ever do)...it's just not healthy.  The amount of money spent on specialists and medical bills will eventually add up to whatever we have to pay for adoption.  I just know that we are meant to be parents in one capacity or another.

Of course, these are just my ramblings as of right now.  It's completely possible that I will change my mind 100 times in the next few days.  For now, I'm going to work on becoming a healthier me, relaxing, spending time with friends and family, and finishing up school (and going on our cruise!!!!)

Negative

I tested this morning (13 DPO) and got a negative result.  If my "monthly friend" doesn't come by Monday, I guess I'll be calling my OB for an HCG blood draw.  I'm okay with the negative result at this point, but still a little confused.  The good thing is, I'm not feeling depressed about it and am ready to move forward.  I have a tiny glimmer of hope, as a friend of mine let me know that she didn't get a positive result until she was about 6 weeks pregnant!  We'll just have to wait and see...

Today was nice, spent a lot of time with family...my sister is visiting with her kids while her husband is out of town, and it's always great to have some time with her.  Tom and I went to Wally World this morning and I spent about a half hour in the makeup section, which I always enjoy.  I was excited to see that Walmart carries Hard Candy makeup now.  Maybe they have for years and I've just been oblivious.  I'm kind of a makeup junkie and am always buying it, but not really using it.

We had a nice family dinner and now we're settling in to have "adult time."  Probably just watching some TV or movies and relaxing.  Sooo glad it's the weekend :)

Another day of waiting...

I'm still in limbo, but pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm not pregnant.  I've had a little more bleeding and some cramps, but no period yet.  I'll be incredibly surprised if I take a test on Saturday and it comes up positive, but I guess I shouldn't lose hope!  I had been on Weight Watchers prior to being "pregnant?" and kind of fell off the last few days.  I think I'll shop this weekend and get back on track.  If we truly aren't pregnant this month, we will probably wait until May/June to try again because we are going on a cruise in May and I'd like to enjoy some margaritas poolside if I can (is that selfish?)

On the up side of things, I graduate with my Bachelors degree in Educational Studies in 43 days!  YAHOO!!!!  I've been a college student for going on 11 years now, and it feels amazing to be done.  I have to admit that I have "senioritis" and am half-assing all of my work at this point.

This is a super busy week at work and I'm off to take care of a few things from home so that I can have a stress free Friday :)

Bubble bursted?

After celebrating my positive pregnancy test on Monday morning, I can honestly say I was on Cloud Nine.  I was thinking positive thoughts and just "knew" this baby was going to be the one we took home.  Keep in mind that I got my BFP at 8 DPO...I still had 6 days until my period was even due.

Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon.  Took another test because I am a serial tester.  Negative.  I was paralyzed.  I'm not one to believe in "jinxing" yourself and with all of my pregnancies I have shared the news early because I am simply too excited to keep it to myself.  I had told a few co-workers and my family about this.  Specifically people who have been by my side through my previous 4 losses.

After taking that test, my husband went out to get me the always-reliable "First Response" tests because I had been taking internet cheapo tests.  The First Response came back negative Tuesday afternoon AND this morning.

What the heck is going on!??!?!  I KNOW there was a line.  My husband even saw it, so I wasn't squinting-in-the-sunlight-with-a-flashlight looking at it.  It was plain as day.  I wish I had taken a picture of that sucker.  Here are my theories:

1.  Chemical pregnancy - essentially, another miscarriage
2.  Faulty test?  I'm going to wait a few days and test again because my period isn't due until Saturday/Sunday.

I'm on Crinone gel, which has made me a hormonal mess.  I spent over an hour last night crying to Tom and texting two of my closest friends through tears.  I've had some fleeting nausea and on Monday I was all-out SICK (vomiting, nausea, etc.)

Does anyone have any other ideas?  I'm trying to hold out hope, but it's fading...

OMG...

Today I got a BFP and 8dpo.  Talked with my OB and he wants to see me in mid-April.  I'm just not willing to do the every-other-day blood draws and ultrasounds this time.  It won't make any difference, so why be stressed!

I'm excited and hoping this results in us bringing a little one home in December!!!