Joshua

The story of our precious Joshua is a long one, so I'll give you some background information followed by Facebook notes I wrote in the days leading up to his delivery.  


In late 2008, we were pregnant again.  We were (once again) cautiously optimistic.  This time we had changed OB's to an amazing, wonderful one who I still see to this day, and were seeing an RE as well.  The RE's office was great.  Blood draws every other day, ultrasounds weekly, until I was about 8 weeks, really put my mind at ease.  Once I was 8 weeks, I switched over to my regular OB's office, still consulting with the RE periodically.  I had some bleeding on and off, but things were ok.  I was taking Crinone suppositories to keep my progesterone up.  My new OB was really amazing, I can't say that enough.  Any time I had bleeding or was just feeling anxious, he welcomed me into the office to have a "quick peek" on an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok.  The baby was growing right on track, heartbeat was great, etc.  


We made it to the 12 week mark and began announcing our pregnancy.  Things continued to go well as I went in for ultrasounds and check ups pretty much every 2 weeks.  Our anatomy ultrasound was scheduled for 2/11/09 and we were excited to see our little one and find out the gender!  Everything HAD to be fine at this point.  I mean, I was checking the heartbeat with the doppler daily, and the heart rate stayed consistent and strong.  I was convinced we were once again out of the "danger zone."  These are the facebook notes which followed:


2/11/09 @ 5:29 pm
Just wanted to update everyone on our ultrasound today. Unfortunately, things are not looking good. The baby is measuring small, fluid is very low. They don't think the baby has any kidneys, which is the major issue. Also, it appears that there is a chromosomal/genetic brain disorder. We have decided to wait and see and have another ultrasound next week just to check again, but the doctor does not believe that this will end well. If the baby does have kidney, with the brain disorder, there is a good chance he/she will be a "vegetable." We're doing a lot of thinking and praying and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers as well


2/18/09 @ 5:43pm
Well, today's ultrasound did not reveal any promising news. The baby has no kidney function, has been diagnosed with holoprosencephaly (where the brain does not divide properly), spinal issues, bowel issues, umbilical cord issues, and a mass on his/her face. The specialist thinks that in addition to these problems, the baby has Trisomy 13, a chromosomal problem.

There is such a small amount of fluid in there that the baby cannot move and is suffering. We have chosen to have labor induced and deliver the baby. There is zero chance for survival once the baby is born, no matter when he/she is born, and it hurts me to know that he or she is suffering. Tom and I are suffering as well, so this seems to be the right thing to do.
I hope that no one will judge our situation, as we feel this is best for our "family" and feel comfortable with our decision. No one can truly know what this is like until they have experienced it.


2/24/09 @ 8:42am
It is with great sadness that we announce the stillbirth of our son, Joshua Donald on Monday, February 23, 2009 at 9:10pm. Joshua was born at 19 weeks due to lack of amniotic fluid, lack of kidneys, and several serious birth defects. He will be greatly missed, as we barely had a chance to know him.
We were blessed to have an amazing team of doctors and nurses to make this process as easy and pain-free as possible. As always, we are also blessed to have many wonderful friends and great family support too.
We are praying for a quick physical and emotional recovery. We suffered 3 losses prior to this pregnancy, which makes this harder to accept. 


We were judged...OH BOY were we judged by some people. I would fight to the end to defend our decision, though I shouldn't have to.  I could never have lived with myself knowing that I caused the baby, my husband, and myself to suffer needlessly.  When testing was done on Joshua's little body, it was found that he had no brain matter at all, thus confirming that our choice was the best one.