MIA again!

I'm back and forth with blogging lately, since I've been so busy.  By the time I finally have the time to post, I'm too tired.

Tomorrow I'm starting another "get healthy" kick.  Going back on Weight Watchers, starting kickboxing 2 times and week and going to the gym twice a week.  Hopefully I can keep it up and I'm not aiming too high!

Tom and I are very wishy-washy about the adoption thing.  We've put it on hold now until after he graduates from nursing school in the fall.  Until then, we MIGHT TTC, but aren't really sure.

Our cruise was MAGNIFICENT!  We had such a great, relaxing time together.  It's rare that we get to spend time one-on-one and we definitely enjoyed it.  Getting back to the daily routine has been hard, though!

Well there's a lot going on at my house right now, so I'll have to end there for now!

It's been awhile...

I've been a little behind the times with blogging lately.  Between my very early miscarriage in April, finishing up school (yay!), and getting ready for vacation (double yay!) I haven't had much time!

I am, however, happy to report that Tom and I have officially placed our names on the waiting list to adopt a baby.  We will remain on the waiting list for 3-6 months, depending on how it moves, and then begin the process of pre-assessment, home study, workshops, etc.  We are REALLY excited and hoping that next Mother's Day we'll be celebrating.

Mother's Day is always hard when you've had pregnancy losses.  In my opinion, it's even more difficult when you have no children at all after having losses.  Pregnancy losses are hard when you have kids, too, I get it, but there's a certain feeling of inadequacy or heartbreak that comes with knowing that you may never have children of your own at all.  While I'm excited about adopting, I feel robbed of the experience of carrying a baby, delivering a baby, and having a baby who will be a part of my husband and me.  BUT, I do realize that I will love our adopted baby as much as any baby that was biologically mine and will care for and raise that child as my own.

At any rate, I awoke with a feeling of dread this morning that another Mother's Day has gone by and we still do not have any living children.  It's a hard realization that I do not even think about most days, but on this day when we celebrate mothers, it's in the front of my mind.

Movin' on

The "Red Witch" made her appearance yesterday, so I'm definitely not pregnant.  Part of me is relieved. I don't know how ready I really was to deal with what would have inevitably caused enormous stress.  Even after that 1-2 day pregnancy, Tom and I have unofficially decided to pursue adoption if we are not pregnant by the end of the summer.  I just don't know if I'm cut out for pregnancy anymore.  And I don't want to be in a continuous state of stress until I deliver a baby(if I ever do)...it's just not healthy.  The amount of money spent on specialists and medical bills will eventually add up to whatever we have to pay for adoption.  I just know that we are meant to be parents in one capacity or another.

Of course, these are just my ramblings as of right now.  It's completely possible that I will change my mind 100 times in the next few days.  For now, I'm going to work on becoming a healthier me, relaxing, spending time with friends and family, and finishing up school (and going on our cruise!!!!)

Negative

I tested this morning (13 DPO) and got a negative result.  If my "monthly friend" doesn't come by Monday, I guess I'll be calling my OB for an HCG blood draw.  I'm okay with the negative result at this point, but still a little confused.  The good thing is, I'm not feeling depressed about it and am ready to move forward.  I have a tiny glimmer of hope, as a friend of mine let me know that she didn't get a positive result until she was about 6 weeks pregnant!  We'll just have to wait and see...

Today was nice, spent a lot of time with family...my sister is visiting with her kids while her husband is out of town, and it's always great to have some time with her.  Tom and I went to Wally World this morning and I spent about a half hour in the makeup section, which I always enjoy.  I was excited to see that Walmart carries Hard Candy makeup now.  Maybe they have for years and I've just been oblivious.  I'm kind of a makeup junkie and am always buying it, but not really using it.

We had a nice family dinner and now we're settling in to have "adult time."  Probably just watching some TV or movies and relaxing.  Sooo glad it's the weekend :)

Another day of waiting...

I'm still in limbo, but pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm not pregnant.  I've had a little more bleeding and some cramps, but no period yet.  I'll be incredibly surprised if I take a test on Saturday and it comes up positive, but I guess I shouldn't lose hope!  I had been on Weight Watchers prior to being "pregnant?" and kind of fell off the last few days.  I think I'll shop this weekend and get back on track.  If we truly aren't pregnant this month, we will probably wait until May/June to try again because we are going on a cruise in May and I'd like to enjoy some margaritas poolside if I can (is that selfish?)

On the up side of things, I graduate with my Bachelors degree in Educational Studies in 43 days!  YAHOO!!!!  I've been a college student for going on 11 years now, and it feels amazing to be done.  I have to admit that I have "senioritis" and am half-assing all of my work at this point.

This is a super busy week at work and I'm off to take care of a few things from home so that I can have a stress free Friday :)

Bubble bursted?

After celebrating my positive pregnancy test on Monday morning, I can honestly say I was on Cloud Nine.  I was thinking positive thoughts and just "knew" this baby was going to be the one we took home.  Keep in mind that I got my BFP at 8 DPO...I still had 6 days until my period was even due.

Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon.  Took another test because I am a serial tester.  Negative.  I was paralyzed.  I'm not one to believe in "jinxing" yourself and with all of my pregnancies I have shared the news early because I am simply too excited to keep it to myself.  I had told a few co-workers and my family about this.  Specifically people who have been by my side through my previous 4 losses.

After taking that test, my husband went out to get me the always-reliable "First Response" tests because I had been taking internet cheapo tests.  The First Response came back negative Tuesday afternoon AND this morning.

What the heck is going on!??!?!  I KNOW there was a line.  My husband even saw it, so I wasn't squinting-in-the-sunlight-with-a-flashlight looking at it.  It was plain as day.  I wish I had taken a picture of that sucker.  Here are my theories:

1.  Chemical pregnancy - essentially, another miscarriage
2.  Faulty test?  I'm going to wait a few days and test again because my period isn't due until Saturday/Sunday.

I'm on Crinone gel, which has made me a hormonal mess.  I spent over an hour last night crying to Tom and texting two of my closest friends through tears.  I've had some fleeting nausea and on Monday I was all-out SICK (vomiting, nausea, etc.)

Does anyone have any other ideas?  I'm trying to hold out hope, but it's fading...

OMG...

Today I got a BFP and 8dpo.  Talked with my OB and he wants to see me in mid-April.  I'm just not willing to do the every-other-day blood draws and ultrasounds this time.  It won't make any difference, so why be stressed!

I'm excited and hoping this results in us bringing a little one home in December!!!

One of my favorite songs

Sometimes I like to have a "good cry."  I like to think about the babies I've lost and just cry...it's very cathartic.  This is my favorite song to cry to...while this may seem kind of morbid, it really helps me.  Once the song is over, I wash my face and feel the stress lifted off of me.


When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek
You got to leave me now, you got to go alone 
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own 
Before it slips away 
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along 
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song 
That you learn to play 

When you're soarin' through the air 
I'll be your solid ground 
Take every chance you dare 
I'll still be there 
When you come back down 
When you come back down 

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return 
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn 
And I won't feel your fire 
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line 
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine 
I'm strung out on that wire 

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call 
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high 
I'll catch you when you fall 
I'll catch you when you fall 

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings 
I know the sky is calling 
Angel, let me help you with your wings 

When you're soarin' through the air 
I'll be your solid ground 
Take every chance you dare 

I'll still be there 
When you come back down 
Take every chance you dare, 
I'll still be there 
When you come back down 
When you come back down 


Give it a listen if you have a chance.

And so on...

For the past few years I've been through quite a bit of turmoil, but I think I've come out of it pretty well.  Aside from my losses, my dad passed away in 2008 from colon cancer.  I've always had bad anxiety about cancer, but it definitely got worse after he passed away.  My hubby and I live with my mom now and are starting TTC again.  I'm excited about the prospect of being pregnant again, but horrified at the same time.  We have loosely decided that if we have another loss we are going to seriously pursue adoption.  We simply can't continue to go through this.

GETTING pregnant is no problem at all...it's just staying pregnant.  There's nothing more frustrating than having a doctor basically tell you they have no idea why this keeps happening.  I'm praying that this is "our month."  I'm currently 6 DPO and itching to test already, even though I know it is way to early!  I'm a test-a-holic!

I feel like I've found a great support in the blog community over the past week or two.  People who have been where I've been and truly understand what RPL is like.

Joshua

The story of our precious Joshua is a long one, so I'll give you some background information followed by Facebook notes I wrote in the days leading up to his delivery.  


In late 2008, we were pregnant again.  We were (once again) cautiously optimistic.  This time we had changed OB's to an amazing, wonderful one who I still see to this day, and were seeing an RE as well.  The RE's office was great.  Blood draws every other day, ultrasounds weekly, until I was about 8 weeks, really put my mind at ease.  Once I was 8 weeks, I switched over to my regular OB's office, still consulting with the RE periodically.  I had some bleeding on and off, but things were ok.  I was taking Crinone suppositories to keep my progesterone up.  My new OB was really amazing, I can't say that enough.  Any time I had bleeding or was just feeling anxious, he welcomed me into the office to have a "quick peek" on an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok.  The baby was growing right on track, heartbeat was great, etc.  


We made it to the 12 week mark and began announcing our pregnancy.  Things continued to go well as I went in for ultrasounds and check ups pretty much every 2 weeks.  Our anatomy ultrasound was scheduled for 2/11/09 and we were excited to see our little one and find out the gender!  Everything HAD to be fine at this point.  I mean, I was checking the heartbeat with the doppler daily, and the heart rate stayed consistent and strong.  I was convinced we were once again out of the "danger zone."  These are the facebook notes which followed:


2/11/09 @ 5:29 pm
Just wanted to update everyone on our ultrasound today. Unfortunately, things are not looking good. The baby is measuring small, fluid is very low. They don't think the baby has any kidneys, which is the major issue. Also, it appears that there is a chromosomal/genetic brain disorder. We have decided to wait and see and have another ultrasound next week just to check again, but the doctor does not believe that this will end well. If the baby does have kidney, with the brain disorder, there is a good chance he/she will be a "vegetable." We're doing a lot of thinking and praying and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers as well


2/18/09 @ 5:43pm
Well, today's ultrasound did not reveal any promising news. The baby has no kidney function, has been diagnosed with holoprosencephaly (where the brain does not divide properly), spinal issues, bowel issues, umbilical cord issues, and a mass on his/her face. The specialist thinks that in addition to these problems, the baby has Trisomy 13, a chromosomal problem.

There is such a small amount of fluid in there that the baby cannot move and is suffering. We have chosen to have labor induced and deliver the baby. There is zero chance for survival once the baby is born, no matter when he/she is born, and it hurts me to know that he or she is suffering. Tom and I are suffering as well, so this seems to be the right thing to do.
I hope that no one will judge our situation, as we feel this is best for our "family" and feel comfortable with our decision. No one can truly know what this is like until they have experienced it.


2/24/09 @ 8:42am
It is with great sadness that we announce the stillbirth of our son, Joshua Donald on Monday, February 23, 2009 at 9:10pm. Joshua was born at 19 weeks due to lack of amniotic fluid, lack of kidneys, and several serious birth defects. He will be greatly missed, as we barely had a chance to know him.
We were blessed to have an amazing team of doctors and nurses to make this process as easy and pain-free as possible. As always, we are also blessed to have many wonderful friends and great family support too.
We are praying for a quick physical and emotional recovery. We suffered 3 losses prior to this pregnancy, which makes this harder to accept. 


We were judged...OH BOY were we judged by some people. I would fight to the end to defend our decision, though I shouldn't have to.  I could never have lived with myself knowing that I caused the baby, my husband, and myself to suffer needlessly.  When testing was done on Joshua's little body, it was found that he had no brain matter at all, thus confirming that our choice was the best one.

Number three

I should be doing my hours and hours of homework now, but I'm hooked on blogging and couldn't wait to get home to write my next entry.  Who knew it would be so addictive?

So, we left off with my hate of ultrasounds.

What I didn't mention about my second miscarriage was that I had to "collect" the "fetal matter" as I was bleeding and carry it to the hospital emergency room, where I was turned away and told I had to bring it to my doctor's office.  Yet another insensitive bitch (pardon my French) giving me the runaround and being totally unsympathetic about my loss. Ugh!

Well, after my second pregnancy loss, the doctor decided it was time to do some testing.  I had tons of vials of blood drawn hoping to find an answer.  Unfortunately, no answer was found.  My ANA was "weakly positive" which my doctor (now former doctor) thought was worthy of being swept under the rug at the time.  Interesting, since one of my sisters has lupus and a positive ANA is a good indicator of that.  So after lots and lots of tests, I basically learned nothing.  I know that many who have suffered the same way I have had similar experiences.

Months later, I think some time around July, maybe, we got pregnant unexpectedly.  Of course we were thrilled, but cautious once again.  With this pregnancy, my doctor put  me on prometrium suppositories to keep my progesterone up.  I was also going in several times a week for HCG draws, which were doubling nicely.  Imagine my excitement when I saw a heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks, and even more excitement when I made it to 12 weeks!  I had passed the "danger point" (or so I thought).

Since I was anxious due to my previous experiences, my doctor agreed to do my anatomy ultrasound at 17 weeks.  I was super anxious and looking back, had a gut feeling that something was wrong, but just passed it off as being paranoid.  I rented an at-home doppler so that I could hear my baby's heart beat every night.  One weekend, when I was 16 weeks, I couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  I had gotten pretty skilled at it since I had been listening since about 10 weeks, and I FLIPPED OUT.  Completely.  I spent hours over the weekend looking for the heartbeat.  On Monday of that week, I called the doctor and told them how anxious I was feeling and they let me come in to get checked out.  The doctor kind of blew me off saying that I was an amateur (not in those words) at using a doppler and the baby was probably just behind the placenta or something.  He broke out his doppler and heard (what he thought) was the baby's heart beat.  In reality, this was just my heart beating SO FAST because of my anxiety.  However, he insisted he was right and sent me on my way.

Two days later, I had my ultrasound.  Guess what?  No heartbeat.  The baby had stopped growing at 16 weeks.  Right when I stopped hearing the heartbeat.  I guess I'm not such an amateur.

My doctor was off that day, so another doctor came in to the dreaded ultrasound room to give me the news that I already knew.  He told me I would have to deliver.  My answer was basically, HELL NO!  I refuse!  He was nice enough to call around and find a doctor who would do a D&E at 16 weeks.  Dr. T, who did my D&E was so sweet and empathetic...just what I needed.  I had to wait a few days to have the procedure, and I was so nervous.  I had never been under any kind of anesthesia before, and was convinced I wasn't going to make it out of it.

My hubby and sister accompanied me to my surgery, and they were great.  Little did I know that the anesthesia would be the BEST PART of the procedure.  It was over before I knew it, and I was comforted to wake up to a sweet nurse who turned out to be the mother of a friend of mine from high school.  Then they gave me my pain meds and sent me on my way.  The fetus was sent off for testing, but of course, there were no issues found.  BLAH.

After all of the issues I had with Dr. Parker's office, I decided to make a switch, which turned out to be the best thing I could've done.

That's all for tonight!  I'll write about Joshua tomorrow.

Thanks to my THREE followers and those who commented on my previous posts!!! :)

The first two

Today I'm at home with a stomach bug that struck at about 2am.  Ew.  Why does that always happen??  It's always the middle of the night/early morning when these things hit.  Luckily, I'm feeling a bit better this afternoon and should be back on my way to work tomorrow morning.

Now, let me tell you a bit about my first two losses.  As soon as Tom and I started trying to get pregnant, we did.  We were really blessed to get pregnant on the very first try!  I was excited, but wary, because I have seen my older sister go through miscarriage after miscarriage.  The second I found out, I made a doctor's appointment and it was confirmed.  I was pregnant and I was due in April 2007.  We were both ecstatic!  However, our ecstasy didn't last long.  I went to my OB for a dating ultrasound (they estimated I was about 7 weeks) and all that they saw was an empty sac.  No baby had developed at all.  A couple of days later I began bleeding.  We lost our little bean on 8/25/06.  I was devastated, as was Tom.  I feel like this first pregnancy experience tainted all of my others.  Instead of being a time of joy and excitement, pregnancy was now a time of anxiety.

Months later, we decided to start trying again (sometime in Jan/Feb 2007).  Again, we got pregnant immediately and were cautiously optimistic.  At about 6 weeks, I went in for an ultrasound and lo and behold, there was a heartbeat!  It was a little slow, but the doctor said that it was ok - the heart had probably just started beating.  Much to my dismay, the next morning I started bleeding.  I called the OB right away and my younger sister accompanied me for an emergency ultrasound.  The technician SUCKED.  After she jammed the wand into me (sorry for the graphic details), she noticed there was no heartbeat.  Instead of saying "hold on a second, honey" or "let me get the doctor," she leaves the stupid ultrasound wand in me and starts yelling over the intercom "DR. PARKER!  DR. PARKER! I NEED YOU IN HERE!"...what the hell?!?!?!  You just discovered that my baby is dead, yet you have no sympathy, and definitely NO bedside manner.  That experience sticks in my mind to this very day.  I can still picture her and remember the feeling...

Thus began my hate of ultrasounds.

First impressions

So apparently first impressions mean a lot.  However, I can honestly say that most of the time I cannot remember the first time I met someone (except my husband...).  Most people reading this blog probably know me, but in case you don't, here's some background on me:

• I'm 29 years old and live in North Carolina
• I have 5 siblings (3 brothers, 2 sisters)
• I have 8 nephews and 4 nieces
• I grew up in Orange County, NY
• My favorite color is yellow
• My favorite food (above ALL ELSE) is watermelon
• I have a 10 month old kitten named Ollie
• I married my husband, Tom, on June 14, 2003 in Saranac Lake, NY
• I love sleeping.  A lot.  More than any normal person should.
• I work at a preschool and I LOVE my job
• Here's the biggie - what the majority of this blog will be about - I have had 4 pregnancy losses.  

That's right, 4.  Two VERY early on (8 weeks or earlier) and two second trimester losses - one at 16 weeks and one at 19 weeks (which I consider to be a stillbirth, as I actually delivered our precious Joshua in February 2009).  In-depth stories to come...but for now, I must do one of the things I love most...sleep.  Goodnight!